Inspired by a desire to help my fellow man, and all the money Harold Camping made by predicting the end of the world this past May 21st, I’ve started my own doomsday cult.
At first, I’d thought it best to “beat” Camping to his latest, adjusted end time of October 21st, 2011, but I’ve since had a bit of a revelation: sick of Camping’s bullshit, once October 22nd rolls around, fans of the end of the world are going to be looking for a new voice to tell them to abandon all hope.
I think I can be that voice.
If the current walking dead version of Schwinn was my First Horseman of the Apocalypse, the Second Horseman is more difficult to explain, and frankly, confused the hell out of me at first (seemed to be not one person, but two). Though forbidden to reveal to you exactly how I know these things in such detail, trust me, I have my sources. The problem is that these revelations are only made to me through a complex series of YouTube promo videos for bike wheel lights, all played in slow motion and in a certain order.
But after much prayer and analysis, I can tell you with absolute certainty that the two guys on those Heineken commercials are–together–the embodiment of the Second Horseman of the Apocalypse.
That’s just one of them. You know the other one. God, I hate those creepy little neuvo-Golden Age shits. This was clearly supposed to be Heineken’s answer to the Dos Equis “Most Interesting Man in the World,” but, congratulations Heineken, instead of coming anywhere near the MIMITW ads, you’ve hastened the Apocalypse. Nice.
When the Lamb opened the second seal, I heard the second living creature say, “Come and see!” Then another ride came out, a fiery red one with dubious components from the late ’90s. Its riders were given power to be whip-thin hipsters with ironic facial hair and frenetic enthusiasm for lives that appear utterly devoid of meaning, and thus suck all hope and peace from the earth and to make men wail and lament and slay each other in frustration. – Revolutions 6:2.3-4.2
Though I can’t be completely certain, my interpretation of the cryptic text above suggests that the mysterious method of conveyance for these evil douchebags has been located in Illinois, and is currently for sale on eBay for $35,000 (not a typo–at least not on my part).