Apocalypse Now: 650b is Coming

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Feb 082012
 

"We're gonna need some bigger wheels."

As is my tradition, I completely forgot about last Sunday’s Super Bowl, which means I didn’t get see any of the 3.5-million dollar ads, which means I ended up hearing about these unavoidable nuggets of American culture before actually witnessing any of them directly. This is a little like hearing about a new movie and imagining much scarier scenes and bigger explosions than even what today’s special effects can manage. Left as I was to my own imagination there for a while, it seemed these commercials painted a pretty grim picture of humanity circa 2012.

Based on what I heard, we had a commercial where everyone who doesn’t drive a Chevy is killed in an apocalypse, and then one where a Great Dane kills a cat, then blackmails a guy to stay quiet about it using Doritos. Apparently that one won a contest.

You’ve seen the commercials, probably, but imagine you haven’t. Imagine somebody just told you about them. Better still, imagine you’re explaining them to a kid.

Hilarious, right? Everybody’s dead! Goddamn Ford owners deserved what was coming to them, ha, ha! Get it? Fuck those fuckers! Ah [wiping away tears of laughter], good stuff.

If we take Super Bowl ads for what everyone assumes them to be, thirty second snapshots of the zeitgeist of American culture, I’m not entirely sure what this year’s batch is saying about us, but it does sound like hating each other might have quietly become a new American pastime. It’s certainly become our main source of entertainment. Maybe my pal, Harold Camping was right after all, and the world as we once knew it actually did end back in May. The new world just slipped right into place, though, the same way each next step appears under your foot, even when you’re walking in the dark, on your way to the basement. You can really only live in a world where Jesus Christ has become a homophobic, pro-business, defender of our right to bear firearms for so long, before you have to admit we’re angry people.

But it’s a kinder, gentler, and more socially conscious sort of “mean.”

In increasing number of people, for instance, are choosing to commute by bicycle when robbing banks. This isn’t any real surprise in Eugene, Oregon, where the perpetrator of “violent takeover-style robberies,” appears to keep escaping by bicycle, and where one imagines the Oregon Financial Institutions Security Taskforce, or “FIST,” is currently searching the area–also of course on bicycle–in search of the suspect. But Marietta, Georgia? I’ve lived in Marietta, and feel confident in saying that anyone choosing to escape crime scenes by bicycle there will be dead within the week anyway. Given the drivers in and around the entire Atlanta area, the only challenge the FBI will have is identifying the body.

We’re all turned into mean-spirited asshats, is all I’m saying–not that that’s a bad thing. Don’t get me wrong. I’m secretly hoping for a zombie apocalypse as much as the next guy (makes sense for all sorts of reasons, like better job opportunities once the herd’s been thinned a bit, getting to shoot pretty much everything, finding a sweet car, the whole “Twinkie” thing). But Chevy co-opting Death on a Biblical Scale for a commercial? That’s bold. That slips past “fascinated with the end times” and “sick of my fellow man” and trucks right on into something worse, that genuine longing for some room to stretch our legs and some nice, deep, post-apocalyptic peace and quiet.

Comparatively, I guess the dog killing cat thing is cute because it’s like the dog was a mobster or something, so it’s funny because it was just like a human killed the cat, and it’s always funny when animals act like people. Especially when they’re killing shit. Get it now? Logically, though, this one doesn’t pass the smell test. Why wouldn’t the dog just poison the Doritos to get rid of the only witness? That would make perfect sense, except that I’m pretty sure most poisons are already ingredients found in Doritos, so it’s complicated.

These commercials, like so much else right now, genuinely speak to the “it’s me or you” crowd, the same movement that’s bringing us TV shows about people preparing for the end of the world. Why the tension? Various ancient cultures apparently offer slightly different scenarios, but a constant theme is that 2012 will be the year Life As We Know It is changed completely. That could be subject to different interpretations by different people, but I’m pretty sure I know what the big change is going to be.

650b

That’s right, life as you know it may very well be about to change, and once again Carl Schlemowitz from Vicious Cycles may be proven to have been way, way ahead of the curve. Here are a few reasons Goldilocks wheels are here to stay this time around.

  • There Was Never a Good Reason for 26″ Wheels in the First Place – One of the most important things 29ers did was dispel the myth of the 26″ wheel, which might as well have been chosen arbitrarily. When it comes to the preeminence of 26″ wheels in the world of mountain bikes, once the flood gates of doubt opened up, it became pretty which wheel size couldn’t swim. The 29er could never replace a 26″ wheel, but a 27.5″ wheel just might. And probably should. Get over it Europe. The 26″ wheel is stupid for anyone over five feet tall. That’s 152.4 centimeters.
  • Nobody Wants to Look Stupid After Missing that 29er Thing – Once we hit that tipping point, adoption is going to happen with the quickness here. Not only did some companies look stupid for panning 29ers up until they finally caved in and released one (which then shot to the top of their sales charts and stayed there), but some companies made much more money by betting on the right horse. Money equals motion. Everybody wants to cover this next move, when it comes.
  • Forks and Rims Are Already Here – The real teeth-pulling with 29ers happened around the rim, tire and fork manufacturers, but for 650b, that part of the puzzle’s already in place. It’s also a manufacturing reality that you just have to make different sizes now. All this shit is being mass-produced in China anyway, so you really can’t bitch about your overwhelming productions costs to Americans who pay more for a cup of coffee than it costs to have a tire made in China. You’re making two sizes of tires and rims already. Might as well just make another one.
  • 650b Bikes Won’t Suck – By definition, they were designed to be the middle of the road, and, unless you’re a GOP candidate, that’s never a particularly dangerous place to be. Something like a 36″ tire will be pretty unlikely to be adopted by everyone, but a bike that rolls a bit better than a bike with 26″ wheels, but in all other ways feels about the same but has marketing buzz? That’s not a hard bike to sell. A 29er was a big difference, but the only people still riding 26″ wheels wouldn’t even know the difference if you put 27.5″ wheels on their bike.
  • The Industry Needs This – Not just because new trends have to constantly drive you to want a new bike, but due to some very concrete reasons, there is a very powerful lobby going on for the middle wheel size right now. This is led largely by companies with skin in the five to seven inch travel frame game. You just can’t get enough distance between stuff to have a “longer travel” 29er. Something’s got to give. A system is already in place at most manufacturers to make that something a 650b long-travel suspension frame.

Don’t panic. The reality is that 650b is–one way or another–coming. The best thing to do is stay calm, stock up on water, keep an open mind, and don’t eat Doritos. They’re made with cats.

In Brogues

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Feb 072012
 

For my money, the most exciting thing about cycling’s grand tours is that you never know who’ll win. Even several months after the race is over, it’s still really anybody’s race. Alberto Contador received his two year ban from racing yesterday, and along with it was retroactively stripped of 2010 victories in the Tour de France and the Giro D’Italia. Congratulations to Andy Schleck and Michele Scarponi! Good races, guys. Looked like you’d come up short there for a while, but, upon further review, you each had the biggest moments of your life. Pardon us if we don’t bother to get up.

While probably cleaner than it’s ever been, professional cycling went through the stages “Appalling,” and “Pathetic” a while back, and now never seems to miss a chance to just make itself even more comical. This latest news only twists a knife most of us picked up somewhere along Stage 17, 2006, and haven’t been able to shake since. Ironic that Contador’s suspension fell hard upon the news that Mr. Lance Armstrong was found super-blameless in the World Court of All Final Decisions. Or something. Like many people, by now I sort of want to find out Lance was doping that whole time, just because it would make for an amazing book. If Armstrong really is guilty of doping and orchestrating a mass cover-up, I think it’s safe to say the world hasn’t seen a virtuoso performance of mass mind control and manipulation that impressive since Rasputin. Nobody can resist cheering for a new world record.

As for the future of the sport, I’ve said long ago they should not only give up testing, but have an “open” class. I, who find it tough to watch even the most creampuff of crashes during stage races, and literally avoid seeing crash footage, suspect I’d have no problem tuning in for exploding hearts, spontaneous comas, and whatever else these junkies seem hell-bent on doing to themselves, because, unlike crashes, doping deaths wouldn’t be random and unwarranted. Besides, nothing would finally get Americans interested in the sport like cheering for delusional drug addicts catapulting off mountainsides while waving their arms at imaginary bats. Would certainly pull in the NASCAR demographic.

While we’re at it, I have some ideas for changes to the bikes.

Who doesn’t love rally? Having seen the wireframe Range Rover Evoque bicycle,

it seems obvious that you need a protective cage around your bike, and a co-pilot, you know, to man the weapons system. Besides, if everybody had to pedal enormous metal cages around and survive explosions, flamethrower attacks, and Spartacus chariot wheel-blade assaults during every Grand Tour, Jens Voigt would have already become the winningest pro in the history of cycling. By a lot.

In my more TV-friendly format, the green jersey points would go to the team towing the loudest stereo, the polka dot jersey would (obviously) be awarded to the fastest speed hit on a descent, and the trademark yellow race leader jersey would be replaced by some sweet new Rapha brogue shoes:

You think Thomas Voeckler left it all on the road defending the yellow jersey last year? Imagine a piece of race leader apparel that actually becomes more and more hot, painful, and excruciatingly hip with every second it stays in contact with your body.

Given that I’ve accidentally segued into a new product reveal here, apparently the Rapha shoes will be out by the end of the summer, and will feature deeply depressed repressed recessed cleats for sauntering jauntily into boardrooms with only your general douchiness to set you apart, as opposed to that and the clackings of a uncoordinated tap dancer.

Given that Rapha’s previous partnership with the shoe’s designer, tai­lor Tim­o­thy Ever­est, was apparently a jacket that sold for more than $600, one can only speculate as to the price of the new shoes.

Or one can hold a contest.

I’m hereby announcing the first ever Canootervalve contest:

Guess the Price of Rapha Brogues

Maybe I’ll bother to code up a fancy voting form to make this more formal, but probably not, so email me your guesses or leave a comment.

He or she who comes the closest to guessing the actual price will receive a genuine Surly frame decal emblazoned with the timeless words, “Just Because We Both Ride Bikes, Doesn’t Mean We’re Friends.”

No purchase necessary to enter. In fact, it’s not even recommended.

The Other Side

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Feb 062012
 

Position Available, Leicestershire, UK

After reading Friday’s bit about Trek’s tapered steerer tube patent, friends kindly reminded me about the past decade. It seems that somehow I’d misplaced any recollection of the bike industry from the Y2K crisis to year 2010, including Trek’s tapered head tube and fork development. Josh, in particular helped me face apparently repressed memories about Trek’s E1 and E2 head tube standards, and how they have, in fact, maintained that as an open standard.

Somewhere inside that moment where the gears began to engage and my brain’s sad, cheese-clogged synapes started to fire again, this occurred to me: they really have let others use this.

In light the way Specialized recently attacked Volagi, ostensibly for making a carbon fiber bicycle frame that may or may not be painted red (the Volagi frame shape certainly bore no resemblance to anything Specialized had ever made), not to mention the many, many absolute bullshit patents protecting highly dubious claims, Trek’s benevolent stance here seems genuinely nice. Sure, it was a tactical decision to help ensure the design was adopted by fork manufacturers and stuff, and plenty of companies immediately rush to use any perceived intellectual property advantage to cut off development, only to find they’ve painted themselves into a corner. But, still. Trek could have probably been dicks about this, and they weren’t. I think that’s nice of them.

Probably just me, though. A complicated and prolonged search for new employment has me all emotional. I’m currently leaning toward “hearse driver,” provided I can learn to ride on the wrong side of the road and eat .

Yes, self-declared physically unfit British owner of a tandem bike hearse, Reverend Paul Sinclair, recently famous and somewhat , is looking for someone to pedal the recently deceased to their final resting places.

As a naturally morbid personality and recovering Roman Catholic who feels guilty about riding a bike unless it’s also, technically, considered “work,” this would be my dream job, were it not for two things.

First, I find the Queen such a distractingly handsome woman that I have no idea how anyone in the UK manages to concentrate on anything. Just knowing she was near–with that weirdly conspiratorial and overbitey grin of hers–would render me incapable of even making toast correctly.

Second, the hatred for cyclists in the UK is so much more refined than it is in the states, that I’m not sure how one survives there without maybe a bandoleer of Grey Poupon to hurl at passing “lorries.” Case in point, one Andrew Grimes, a writer for The Manchester Evening News, who believes:

It is seldom a good idea to get on yer bike. Hail a taxi. Catch a bus. Drive a car. Walk. Each of these alternatives offers the likeliest chance of completing a journey through a British city without winding up at the undertakers.

Cycling is a relic of cosy, Edwardian rurality, when one could take one’s chances in contest with a lumbering horse and cart. Nobody got his or her skull crushed under the hooves of a farmer’s shire.

But that was then.

Today is the 21st century, burnt tyre rubber time, with a bloke in a tall cabin unable to see the assiduous helmet crouched nose-down on aluminium handlebars, sidling alongside his fuel-stashed juggernaut.

Yet the cycling lobby won’t give up. It never ceases to campaign for more road space – which means clearing goods lorries, buses and motor cars off great swathing widths of our arterial highways—to make way for its insane multitudes of pedalling romantics.”

While I take issue with the Dickensianly be-monikered “Mr. Grimes” regarding the general use of bicycles and his belief that cyclists should stop trying to be so bloody special and just drive a car like any sensible person, I can not fault his prose, which can only be described as the aural equivalent of inserting Jonathan Swift into the arse of William Shakespeare and baking for twelve to fourteen hours at 400-degrees. Fahrenheit, of course.

Even if one dared mount a response to the twisted logic that claims to advocate for the health of cyclists by making them no longer cyclists, phrases like “fuel-stashed juggernaut” overwhelm the reader’s senses with such a flamboyant display of bad poetry as to be almost disorienting. Is fuel actually “hidden” within vehicles, and is the presence of the fuel somehow relevant to the author’s point? Having neither driven nor ridden in London proper, I concede my ignorance in the matter. Perhaps even the slightest brush with a cyclist frequently causes cars in the UK to explode spectacularly. Having located the steering wheel on the wrong side of the vehicle, it’s certainly possible the petrol tanks are somehow located in the side view mirrors.

At any rate, it appears the UK has a a unique strain of an otherwise American disorder, a condition that causes the infected to reduce those with different viewpoints to idealistic children, while they, the clear-minded adults, endeavor to explain How Life Works. One grows up, of course, and learns not to ride bicycles, because riding bicycles is generally very good (it doesn’t pollute and it makes for a healthier population) and because riding a bicycle makes people happy.

And that just won’t do.

Like any truly gifted writer, Mr. Grimes has an innate grasp of the ironic, burying his criticism of less “up-to-date” modes of transportation being pedaled around by “romantics” inside his own peculiarly ancient prose.

It is not safe to ride a bike through high-cabined convoys of juggernauts. To pretend that it is, is to ignore the emergence of all mechanised locomotion since 1912 . . . . I think that all cycling on major arterial roads, especially at peak periods, should be outlawed on pain of jail, apart from in places without traffic lights and where the motorised speed limit has been brought down to 12 miles an hour. At the same time, I am not completely heartless. Obviously, cycling on pavements should be encouraged.”

Yes, “on pain of jail,” cycling should be outlawed in order to save cyclists from themselves–and by “themselves” Grimes of course means their habit of trying to share the road with “juggernauts.” I would submit to the people of London that any man who uses the word “juggernaut” to describe a motor vehicle more than once within the same article, should be driven from the city proper, “on pain of jail,” as a man unfit to process life in the 21st Century. Yes, it’s clearly the cyclists of London who have fallen behind the times, dangerously unaware of the dangers posed by the great, steam-powered juggernauts all around them.

I encourage everyone to read the article, preferably with the following image in mind as narrator.

And yes, Mr. Grimes does indeed conclude with a concession. He is not, “completely heartless,” and suggests cyclists should make use of “pavements,” or, in the slightly less obtuse American vernacular, “sidewalks,” where, he assures us, “granny with her groceries is usually nippy enough to dodge a two- wheeled obstacle crawling past the shop window, even if she cannot always bring herself to knock him down.” I suspect Mr. Grimes himself ultimately lacks the ballsballocks to actually affect cycling in London, or anywhere else, but, should anyone cycling on the streets of London encounter the gentleman making his way along a “pavement,” I suggest you heed his advice, get your ass on his nice, safe sidewalk, and make sure he’s feeling sufficiently “nippy.”

Friday’s Legal Landgrab

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Feb 032012
 

Yesterday, I went through some of the more interesting patents out there. One that seemed to deserve its own space, though, is this one.


That’s still a little vague, so let me clarify what it pertains to.

Based on that set of drawings, you might begin to recognize the idea in question as a tapered steerer tube–the same basic design found on almost every bike. I stumbled onto this the other night, and traced it back to a patent that was already approved on May 22nd, 2011. Given that the inventor is in Madison, Wisconsin, I suspected the actual owner of the patent was Trek, and finding the old patent confirmed this. Here’s the “Abstract,” or “what it does” portion of the original patent:

A bicycle steerer tube assembly having an oblong asymmetric cross section formed along a portion of the steerer tube. The asymmetric portion of the steerer tube has a first diameter that is generally aligned with an axis of rotation of the front wheel and a second diameter that is generally aligned with a plane of rotation of the front wheel. The first diameter is greater than the second diameter and provides lateral stiffness to the wheel assembly and the second diameter accommodates longitudinal impact absorption of the fork and wheel assembly.”

The potential significance of this is pretty mind-blowing. If I’m reading this correctly–and I’m pretty sure I’m at least close–what this patent actually says is that Trek was granted ownership of tapered steerer tubes this past May.

As in all tapered steerer tubes.

Meaning that pretty much every bike above $1000 and made in the last few years features intellectual property now owned by Trek.

If this is, indeed, the case, the real question becomes, “Will they enforce this patent?” and, if so, to what degree? Conceivably, every bike with a tapered steerer tube owes Trek money. Given that the original patent was approved less than a year ago, it’s possible the hammer just hasn’t come down yet–and it’s also possible that, despite the initial approval of a clearly very broad idea, clarification was required before anything could really be enforced, and this has required the submission for a second patent. My fourth least-favorite thing in the world (behind Nickleback, vampires who fall in love humans, and chewing aluminum foil) is half-cocked internet rumor-mongering, so it’s important to point out that this could be no big deal–companies hold all kinds of patents, and not every intellectual battle is as bloody as, say, Apple versus Samsung. Maybe this all means nothing.

But wow. It’s hard to believe a patent this broad could be granted, and that Trek could conceivably declare all tapered steerer designs liable for encroaching on their intellectual turf, but I believe the possibility is at least there, based on this information.

Personally, I’d like to think that Trek is above taking any action on this patent, assuming they can, but it’s a mad world. Many, many crazy patent wars have already been waged–many behind the curtain–in the bicycle industry. I can still remember walking past a Santa Cruz Superlight in one of my mechanics’ bike stands and noticing a patent number stamped on the swingarm. Suffice to say, it didn’t belong to Santa Cruz–the company who’d originated that type of swingarm design. Seems somebody had come in underneath them and snaked the IP on that fabrication method, which to this day seems like one of the biggest dick moves possible. But there have been plenty, and Specialized’s recent drunken swing at Volagi proves we’re not all one big happy industry, sitting around the campfire, drinking microbrews and sharing mutual respect.

What do you think? If one company had the ability to claim something that’s become such a part of all decent bicycles, should they? If Trek developed this technology out ahead of everyone else, then they’re right to own it, but boy would it be something for them to take ownership of that now. I suspect we’d be looking at a blizzard of licensing deals being put together, like what happens in smartphones and other competitive technology sectors, and most of us would go on buying whatever bike we wanted, oblivious to the money changing hands behind the scenes.

Or this could be a real mess.

Patently Oblivious: Weird Bike Stuff is Out There

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Feb 022012
 

Few things are better on a rainy morning than settling in with a full pot of coffee and some time to cruise freaky patents. Sure, I’m supposed to pretend facing a rainy morning while racing a 24-hour event–or better still, wrenching one–is the more honorable, Klingon sort of path to joy, but, having done that, I call bullshit. Nice to be warm today, and I like looking at the future. The strange, strange future. While, for me, nothing will compare to the old days of Interbike, when small companies could still afford to booth up on the ground floor and show off their bizarre wares, sorting through upcoming patents is as close as it gets. Will these things see the light of day? Tough to say, but here are a few reasons to hope the Mayans are wrong.

About all I can say to this is: “wow.” If you think you’ve seen everything possible in the world of bicycle suspension, you need to say hello to a kind of four-bar with bars that criss-cross in an “x” pattern, which seems to be what’s going on here.



Pretty straightforward here. So staightforward, in fact, that I can’t really believe this was approved. If blending seat stays into your top tube’s a crime the Handmade Show is going to look like Occupy Oakland.


Like everyone else, I’ve been kicking Specialized in the nuts for a while now over their recent marketing self-immolation stunt against Volagi, so it’s nice to point out some positive–if somewhat bizarre–things they have up their big red sleeves.

Tough to say where they’re going with a sort of bloated seat tube as suspension system, but I love the initiative. Goofy envelope-pushing stuff like this is the good side of Specialized.

While this smacks of notorious “lawyer tabs” on forks, I have to admit it’s a simple way to keep your handlebars from completely flying out of your stem.

Um, but . . . so this solves a problem? Is there a reason we all need to be concerned about this, guys? At first glance, the safety clip on this stem design seems like it’d only come into play if your stem’s faceplate exploded off or something. Might have to up my life insurance and/or read this one over carefully.


Nice and practical, SRAM’s design for a front derailleur with a really compact, multi-cable-pull-friendly actuation arm. I figured I’d include this because it’s nice to see front derailleurs–if one must still use them–being shrunken as much as possible. This makes frame designers very happy.

Have a question about the what’s left of the future? Go look at some patent, or feel free to ask me. I love this stuff.

Tough Guys and Yaw

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Feb 012012
 

Yesterday, I wrote about the fashion industry’s march to absorb everything from the urban bike market–except maybe the bikes, and today the focus swings from leather to carbon fiber, as cycling news sites all cover SRAM’s newest incarnation of the Red road group. “Fashion” might not seem the obvious connection between these two separate sides of the bike business, but, given many of the “meh” reactions to the new Red group–which drops weight and has some genuinely beneficial innovations, but isn’t electronic or one louder, I think it’s safe to say fashion is influencing bike racing technology as much as it is knickers and caps. It’s a different kind of fashion, to be sure, but if you want to get in the most exclusive clubs this year, you’d better have batteries on board.

Which sort of sickens me a little.

Don’t get me wrong. I get the gadget appeal of smoothly operating electronic shifting, but can we at least admit it flies in the face of all the heavily embrocated, “epic,” self-sufficient adventure riding shit? On the one hand, a generally successful subset of people under the age of 40 who’ve not served in the military seem hell bent on proving they aren’t complete and utter pansies–everything from mixed martial arts training to carrying a log through the woods and crawling under barbed wire is hot right now. For those who can afford it, deprivation is pretty hip.

But we have our limits. Sure, we’ll drive three hours to ride a bicycle or pretend to be in basic training, but not without our iPhones. And I guess that dichotomy, between the trendy “quest for the epic struggle” and an obsession with things that make our lives easier can be pretty funny sometimes.

When using electronic shifting, can you still outrun a charging bear and/or piss on an iced up rear derailleur in order to make it home? I guess. Can someone with electronic shifting hunt to survive while lost in the wilderness, using only a sharpened seat post to spear prey? Sure. Epic struggles are still there, I suppose, even when we’re wired. It’s just that adding batteries to something that never needed them in the first place doesn’t seem like progress to me.

Probably just me, though.

At any rate, the new SRAM Red group doesn’t add electronics or an 11th cog out back, choosing instead to drop even more weight and add some features that I do think matter.

Elastomer Stuff Within the Teeth of Your Cassette

Bikerumor posted this SRAM graphic that does a pretty good job of explaining this quickly. Not a game changer, by any means, but, to me, damping the chain impact would seem to have implications beyond just making the cassette quieter. This seems like something that could reduce friction in a significant way going forward, and maybe lead to other advantages.

Rotating Front Derailleur

I hate chain rub more a flat tire. Seriously. It’s kept me using an old twist shifter on my left hand for as long as I can remember. In the new Red “Yaw” front derailleur, SRAM may have found a simple fix for the chain rub that occurs as the angle of the chain changes within the cage depending on your gear combination. And that would be huge. Really. The way some people feel about a “cure” for baldness, I feel about solving this.

CyclingNews had a great photo and description of this.

Hopefully, the solution really wasn’t just as simple as lengthening one of the arms of the derailleur’s parallelogram so that as it moves the cage also rotates slightly, letting the front of the derailleur move out further than the rear. If that’s really all it took, and this derailleur works as advertised (I’m always suspicious, but there’s almost no reason I can see why this wouldn’t work), then SRAM’s engineers deserve a lot of credit. Instead of inventing solutions to problems we don’t actually have, they may have solved one of the arch problems in the world of geared bicycles.

It’s no iPhone, sure, but little engineering details like this can sometimes be what makes riding a bike more enjoyable. Unless you don’t ride for enjoyment, in which case you should buy Di2 or Campy EPS then ride a double century in your bare feet while using Speedplay pedals. No socks, crybaby.

Channel You

 Bikes, E-commerce, Swine  Comments Off on Channel You
Jan 302012
 

Lane Armstrong Mobli

So much bicycle and tech news to get through today, starting with business tycoon and inventor of yellow bracelets, Lance Armstrong, who’s joining the board at tech startup Mobli, a “place” (you’re not supposed to call them web sites any more) where people can post videos and images of their lives so that other people can oogle them. I’ve noticed that blending celebrity with tech startup is the new hipster business model, maybe because all conventional forms of publishing and making money off of content are rapidly disintegrating, and it’s getting tougher and tougher to buy that sixth Ferrari each and every year. Hence we find ourselves entering the age of the human “celebusinesses,” people like Zooey Deschanel who act, sort of make music, and sell us shit based on the fact that we’re almost buying it from Zooey Daschanel. It’s a weird kind of pop-culture feedback loop, no doubt. Mobli offers “channels” that attempt to be peoples’ lives, so you can basically stalk someone without having to actually put on pants and go outside. Given that one of the only things America is producing these days is narcissistic self-obsession, I predict Mobli is going to blow up huge–or at least get a ridiculous amount of VC money before going public and losing two thirds of its value in three days. In going direct-to-consumer with his life, Armstrong joins a roster of Mobli celebrities already investing, on the board, or just inflicting themselves upon us making their lives available for view, including Leonardo DiCaprio, Paris Hilton, and David Arquette. I would have provided more information about Armstrong’s specific “channel,” but once I got to Mobli, I found it impossible to look away from David Arquette’s life.

In other news this morning, Reverend Paul Sinclair is reconsidering the sale of his tandem hearse. According to Sinclair,

I said I wanted to sell it because I was struggling to ride it. But I have had so much interest in it since I said that, and people saying ‘Oh, I’d like to use that’, I think what I should be doing is hunting out someone fit enough to ride the thing for me.”

Rumors that the massive influx of interested buyers was largely the result of a Canootervalve post advertising the tandem hearse could not be confirmed at the time this post was written.

  • Frame Material: Steel
  • Head Tube Type: Standard 1-1/8″
  • Fork Steerer Tube Diameter: 1-1/8″
  • Seatpost Diameter: 27.2mm
  • Rear Dropout Spacing: 135mm
  • Rear Dropout Type: Standard Geared
  • Maximum Tire Size: 26×2.3-inches
  • Wheel Size: 26-inches
  • Front Dropout Spacing: 100mm
  • Water Bottle Bosses: 1 set, top of downtube
  • Color: Green
  • Size: 18-inch (both captain and stoker)
Here’s your chance to pretend to own a truly exclusive bike. This is the only tandem bicycle hearse in the UK. The Reverend Paul Sinclair of Motorcycle Funerals had this unique bike fabricated for addition to his unique line up of funereal vehicles. Unfortunately, Reverend Sinclair does not feel he’s sufficiently fit to operate the hearse, so he’s making it available in the hope that it will one day find a good home. Own a genuine piece of British history that just also happens to be able to transport dead bodies. Should also be able to transport at least two kegs, 4-8 surfboards, children, furniture, and another bike.

Learn more about the bike on the Daily Mail’s site.

$3,522.37

I haven’t forgotten that I’m supposed to drop the little bit of code required to make that “product for sale” box in anybody’s WordPress page (and probably just about any other type of blog post, too). I would’ve gotten to that today, but I was too fascinated with the new clothing line by venerable saddle manufacturer and arbiters of all things “authenticly artisanal,” Brooks.

Word from Bicycle Retailer is that Brooks has controlling ownership of Pedaled, a Japanese company offering clothing for people who’s smugness precludes them owning anything of opulence that doesn’t involve bicycles or coffee. And once you’ve installed your own indoor Peruvian forest and bean roasting facility, about all that’s left is to spring for a $520 jacket. Suck on that, Rapha!

Like all truly expensive hipster-wear, Brooks new Pedaled clothing is displayed hanging from meat hooks, evoking simultaneously a sense of casual durability and a disdain for lofty marketing, with just a hint of unrepressed veganism. When you can finally manage to pry yourself away from the life channel of Lance Armstrong or David Arquette and start looking for pants, you can, of course, purchase stuff directly from Pedaled.com. I don’t know what the mark-up is on a $120 t-shirt, though, so I can’t fault Brooks from cutting out bike shops and going consumer-direct with this new line. Something tells me the new line isn’t targeted at “people who ride bicycles” anyway, so much as “urban cyclists” looking for “outfit solutions.”

Final note: so I changed my logo over the weekend. I’d always disliked the original graphic, and some updated descriptive text was in order, given that bike technology is only one of the topics my rants occasionally veer into. In the process, I noticed that my “theme” had gone wonky. WordPress lets you plug in various themes–the look and feel of your site–but WordPress itself seems to get updated about once every thirty-seven seconds, and that can screw up some more unique themes. The lesson for WordPress users who don’t want to wrestle with this sort of thing? Use a really boring, standard theme, and let your images, logos and overall content be what makes it unique. It really should be the content that people find interesting anyway, not the decorations. Or so I’ve read.

Friday’s Crotch of Luxury and Self-Esteem Check

 Bikes, E-commerce, Swine  Comments Off on Friday’s Crotch of Luxury and Self-Esteem Check
Jan 272012
 

While enjoying my morning ritual of fourteen cups of coffee and browsing, I was relieved to see yet another place to custom build your own luxury, multi-colored, bikefashion accessory. Apparently Villy Customs will let you create just about any color $150 bicycle you’d like for between $400 and $800, thus fulfilling their corporate mission statement: “Luxury. Fashion. Bicycle.” (In that order.)

Because I think a lot about marketing, when I see yet another company with a fancy color-picker feature, I don’t concern myself with the overall shoddy quality of the product or what I suspect to be a woeful lack of customer service (I leave those concerns to the buyers), but, rather, the funny way these companies distinguish themselves from the actual bicycle industry, which apparently sells an entirely different product. See, a “bicycle” is a mechanical device, which needs proper assembly and periodic maintenance, whereas a personalized “Cruiser” or a “Fixie” is actually classified as a fashion accessory, and, as such, apparently needs none of those things. Smartly, the companies offering these fashionable accessories understand that they are “luxury” items in a way that properly designed and functionally assembled bicycles can never be. Cruisers and Fixies that allow potential owners to choose from a rainbow of nondescript components of dubious quality are, in fact, the very definition of luxury. Think of them as small, street-going yachts with chains chattering against improperly installed but festooned-with-painted-daisies chain guards, veritable Bugatti Veyrons of style, oozing down the street with all the passion and aggression a rapidly detensioning and wobbly rear wheel can command.

As such, their companies inevitably have their own marketing pages bolted (threads stripped) right onto their sites. In the case of Villy, this page is smartly filled with the various local morning TV shows that found their products adorable. Who needs function, when Entrepreneur magazine, Modern Luxury Dallas, and Good Morning Texas have featured your business.

Speaking of personalized service, one of my older posts regarding Specialized and the recent nonsense with Volagi received the following comment yesterday:

This is a poor representation of the Specialized brand. I feel Specialized strives to protect it’s intellectual property and it’s IBD network. No other brand is as IBD exclusive as Specialized. They could double there numbers if they sold to everyone and anyone. But they don’t they only want true knowledgeable bike shops representing there brand. Agreed the lawsuit with Volagi is a bit frivolous however if you let one company copy your ideas than soon all will.”

I thanked this person for the comment, and I can appreciate a need to stand up for the many positive things Specialized has done, the clearly great bikes they make, and the support they do offer dealers.

But I had to take issue with both points made in that comment, which are not only inaccurate, but also reinforce dangerous misconceptions about this particular case, and about the relationship Specialized and other vendors have with independent bike dealers. So I replied. And replied. And replied some more. Because, for some reason, I take both of these issues very seriously, and I reject the warm and fuzzy notion that Specialized–or anybody else–bases their relationship with dealers solely on some kind of vague personal respect. It’s an adorable and whimsical idea, but I think the reality has a lot more to do with things like territory, supply chain strategy, and mutual need.

For starters, the intellectual property argument might have some validity if Specialized had actually had any intellectual property stolen, but they didn’t. Just because the battle is over, doesn’t mean you get to rewrite the outcome, or give validity to an argument the legal proceeding dismantled. This whole sad event wasn’t just a bad marketing decision for Specialized; it was a genuine legal proceeding, and its results confirmed they had no intellectual property stolen. The lawsuit wasn’t “a bit frivolous”; it was baseless, and the more we learned about it, the more it seemed like classic intimidation of competition, something I find distasteful. Volagi did not steal anything from Specialized. Your assertion that once you allow one company to steal your intellectual property, others will follow, makes it sound like theft occurred here. What we’ve determined is that it did not.

I’d like to put to rest the bullshit notion that a company like Specialized could “double there [sic] numbers if they sold to everyone and anyone.” I’ve heard this ridiculous assertion put forward in the bike industry time and time again, and it’s the argument of beaten down IBDs with serious daddy complexes: “Daddy only sells through us ’cause Daddy loves us and takes care of us!”

Bullshit.

I applaud Specialized’s business model and their execution–they’ve done an amazing job of working within an established system for selling bicycles. But it’s an established system, not something they’ve done out of compassion, and there are reasons they don’t sell directly to consumers. The point I’ve been trying to make is that if independent bike shops don’t start spending less time drinking Kool-aid and more time learning to read tea leaves, they could find themselves caught unprepared for the inevitable. Specialized has already begun selling “selective” products directly to consumers on-line. Independent bike shops should be hedging against even the slightest possibility of that trend continuing, and blind faith in the benevolence of vendors is not a viable business plan.

I honestly do believe dealer loyalty plays a role in Specialized’s decision to restrict sales of bicycles to brick-and-mortar transactions, but it’s a smaller role than you think. There are more valid business forces keeping them from selling direct. Why doesn’t General Motors sell directly to consumers? For certain products, the benefits of consumer direct sales do not outweigh the expenses. The notion that Specialized, or GM, or any company built on a dealer representative platform could flip a switch overnight and begin selling direct to consumers–if only they chose to–is just not accurate. Believing that glorifies the manufacturer while disparaging the role of independent dealers. If you own or work at a bike shop, think of the work you do to sell and maintain bikes. It’s tremendous. So you’re telling me Specialized, or any other company, could just absorb that workload? Even if IBDs continued to offer some support, the actual expenses associated with turning a B2B company into a consumer-facing enterprise are staggering. There are legitimate barriers there.

But what I find truly bizarre about all of this is the screwy logic that lets presumably good bike shops demean themselves–instinctively, and by default. I have a lot of respect for Specialized and their products. I can understand how any shop would be happy and proud to be able to offer their products. Almost nothing should come before a dealer’s relationship with his vendors–but belief in your own business should. By definition, if you’re a quality shop, doing quality work, you should not believe your vendors sell to you only because they’re being kind. Instead of counting on their continued kindness–even as the market shifts all around them–shouldn’t you be making yourself indispensable? Look at a retail brand like Competitive Cyclist and tell me that putting your brand first doesn’t work. Claiming to add value without being able to articulate that value to consumers is becoming obsolete. What’s great about any shop has to be far more than just what brands they carry, but too many shops still place their own self worth in the brands they sell. So Specialized could “double” sales if they let their bikes be sold everywhere, but “they only want true knowledgeable bike shops representing there [sic] brand.” Look at the word “want” in there. Why have you not replaced that with “need”? That’s what you need to ask yourself.

The Little Things

 Bikes, E-commerce, Swine  Comments Off on The Little Things
Jan 262012
 

Sometimes I think that, if I could have three wishes, the first would be for someone to finally drive a stake through the heart of the fashion industry’s fleeting love of bikes, and the second and third would both be for the first to come true, just in case. The image of the $5,000 Bianchi hipster-mobile above comes to us courtesy of a site called “The Pursuitist,” who’s mission is apparently to, “Find and share the good things in life.” Inevitably this seems to consist almost entirely of increasingly elaborate devices designed to take what little soul you might’ve been born with and painfully extract it from your person. According to the article:

Biking is a luxury, and now it has a price tag to go along with it too. Gucci has launched two exclusive Bianchi by Gucci bicycles designed by the brand’s Creative Director, Frida Giannini.

Giannini told us, “The Bianchi by Gucci bicycles perfectly carry forward our codes of luxury while creating a new cosmopolitan aesthetic for those looking to turn heads while on the go”.

However, the Bianchi by Gucci bikes are only available for purchase in London from Gucci’s store at 18 Sloane Street. The white, hydro-formed steel single speed bike (above) costs $5,000 while the black carbon fiber monocoque model (below) is priced at $14,000.”

Yes, as anyone in China can tell you, biking is, indeed, a luxury. I just quoted that in its entirety because I honestly couldn’t bring myself to read through it one more time to pick out only the quotable parts. And no, I don’t have the spiritual fortitude to show you the carbon fiber one, if you haven’t already seen it. I can’t claim to understand what strange force has trapped certain Italian bike companies in the ’80s, but could someone please tell Colnago and Bianchi that most of the pastel-suitjacket-wearing coke addicts who used to represent a market for high-fashion, co-branded bicycle abominations are now either dead or riding Specialized Venges? And everyone knows kids ride Cinellis. Yes, the 21st Century is proving confusing to some companies. Today, managing to have a bike featured on a site next to artisanal mable syrum and $800 amplification horns for iPhones is arguably the most ironic sign of “status” possible.

Still, you have to love how ruthlessly practical bicycles manage to remain, despite the pressure to turn them into luxury items and fashion accessories, probably because you almost always have to actually ride a bike in order to show it off to everyone, and that’s a pretty high barrier of entry for the frail and soul-less.

Besides, everybody knows it’s the #littlethings that really matter. Word in business news today is that McDonald’s is attempting to rebound from their ill-fated #McDStories Twitter social media bloodbath with a fresh hashtag, “#littlethings,” which, hopefully, will be a few more degrees separated from worms in fish sandwiches and “dying inside.” Clearly, some–I’ll go ahead and assume frantic–discussion occurred at Clown Food Central over the past 48-hours, and it was determined that anything even vaguely close to the discussion of actual food products was the real liability in this campaign, and that a new hashtag was needed that was much more difficult to relate back even to their company, let alone the “food.” Hence, “#littlethings.” Brilliant.

Here I’d like to official introduce a new term into the lexicon of social media marketing: to “rainblow.” It means to shield your otherwise disgusting brand, service, or product behind some form of generally recognized piece of undeniable goodness. I believe this is actually one the marketing industry stole from Congress, the original masters of rainblowing our minds by authoring bills with names like the “Children’s Health Act” that actually allows companies to dispose of green, glowing toxic waste by pouring it directly into the mouths of anyone with a household income less than $250,000 a year.

The beauty of the new McDonald’s hashtag is how it boldly says, “Think of the special shit that really matters to you. OK, got it? Now give it to us.” That’s some bold social marketing, right there. It says, “We don’t stand for the shit we expect you to eat. We stand for whatever you think is good . . . whatever matters to you dumbass morons, just think ‘McDonald’s!’ when you picture that.”

Speaking of social networking and the Internets, I haven’t forgotten the official wrap up of my e-commerce how-to segment. All put together, the actual ad is going to look like this:

  • Frame Material: Steel
  • Head Tube Type: Standard 1-1/8″
  • Fork Steerer Tube Diameter: 1-1/8″
  • Seatpost Diameter: 27.2mm
  • Rear Dropout Spacing: 135mm
  • Rear Dropout Type: Standard Geared
  • Maximum Tire Size: 26×2.3-inches
  • Wheel Size: 26-inches
  • Front Dropout Spacing: 100mm
  • Water Bottle Bosses: 1 set, top of downtube
  • Color: Green
  • Size: 18-inch (both captain and stoker)
Here’s your chance to pretend to own a truly exclusive bike. This is the only tandem bicycle hearse in the UK. The Reverend Paul Sinclair of Motorcycle Funerals had this unique bike fabricated for addition to his unique line up of funereal vehicles. Unfortunately, Reverend Sinclair does not feel he’s sufficiently fit to operate the hearse, so he’s making it available in the hope that it will one day find a good home. Own a genuine piece of British history that just also happens to be able to transport dead bodies. Should also be able to transport at least two kegs, 4-8 surfboards, children, furniture, and another bike.

Learn more about the bike on the Daily Mail’s site.

$3,522.37

Next, I’ll be walking everyone through the exact little bit of code necessary to create that product listing, and then we’ll be able to start testing that buy button. Before then, I either need to make a tandem hearse to sell, or find something else I need to get rid of. Preferably something smaller than a tandem hearse or a Big Dummy, and easier to fit into a box and ship. #littlethings

Bicycle Hearses and McFailing

 Bikes, E-commerce  Comments Off on Bicycle Hearses and McFailing
Jan 252012
 


These days there’s a lot of talk in e-commerce and marketing circles about “managing social.” Entire departments are being created within companies, and an industry has appeared to support these efforts. The irony, of course, is that you can’t manage social. Sort of by definition, social relies on the people being people, and when you censor them, or try to direct the firehose blast of content they can generate, what you have ceases to be truly social. In other words, the problem with social–from a business standpoint–is the people.

McDonald’s ran into the “people problem” recently when they realized the shit they post on Twitter can be seen by everyone–even those who think McDonald’s food is repugnant. As countless people are pointing out on Twitter right now, a company known primarily for borderline poisonous food-shaped products probably shouldn’t serve up a ready-made hashtag–“#McDStories”–inviting everyone to share stories about McDonald’s-related experiences.

Here’s a screen grab from last night that shows you just how well social is working for McDonald’s, a company with sufficient resources at their disposal to be using social as effectively as possible.

McDonald's Tweets Go Wrong

In a sea of people pointing out how wrong this campaign has gone, there are still gems of personal stories here and there, and that second one from the top is among my favorites.

I mention all of this because I’ve been babbling a bit about e-commerce lately, and how independent bike shops need to get off their asses and start building a presence on-line. McDonald’s thoughtfully illustrates one of the potential dangers of staggering half-assedly onto the fast-moving and emotionally merciless Internet–but they also illustrate what a great opportunity these social sites are for small business. Here are a few things they did wrong, and how you can turn them around:

  • It’s About the People No, really, it is. That means you can’t just expect them to sing your praises. You’re a corporation. You might be much more important than people in America right now, but you haven’t yet figured out a way to force us to love you. You want promotional help? People ask what’s in it for them. How does participating in this stupid hashtag make their lives better? If you’re not sure, the answer is usually either, “It doesn’t” or, as in the case with McDonald’s, “It lets them vent their rage at you.”
  • The Web is Inherently Negative That might seem pessimistic, but, aside from adorable cats, the Internet is the Wild West of emotions and opinions. People value freedom of expression and entertainment value–not necessarily in that order. Even a company with legendary customer service knows better than to willfully put their head on the chopping block. Best to hedge with a safe and non-committal interaction. “Tweet your description of a new, trimmed down Grimus, and it must be under 140 characters.” That sort of thing. But all that safety is recommended even if you have a phenomenally respected product with an unassailable reputation for quality. Can you think of a positive experience at McDonald’s that would be fun to read? Personally, the last time I was forced into one (thanks again, Jason), the ketchup dispenser produced a giant, pink foam ball when I tried to use it. That’s my #McDStory. What the hell were they thinking?
  • Don’t Expect Something for Nothing My first example dealt with offering the people entertainment and truly listening to them, but a separate tactic is to just pay them off with swag. Today’s digitally social appreciate the value of their content. They know their content is helping to sell your products, and they expect something for it. Cough it up. Failing to “gamify” the deal, or offer some free stuff or other reward only serves to remind the consumer that they’re working for you for free. Marketing inside McDonald’s might love their company, but please don’t assume we all do. I suspect most people eat there because the food-shaped salt and sugar forms are so cheap, not because we have strong feelings about the company.

So the social media management lesson for those of us just now considering an on-line presence is simple: be yourself, but demonstrate at every step of the way that you’re there for the consumer. You’ll rarely receive warm and fuzzy moments from a consumer based just on his or her undying and irrational love of your company. Sweeten the deal. Give consumers a reason to participate, and make sure you’re standing beside them instead of peering down from your golden arches.

Used social media to build a wildly successful following for your on-line bike shop yet? Good. Then you’re ready to sell some stuff, and here’s another step toward making that happen.

Remember how we were working on adding product photos, information, and an “Add to Cart” button to our WordPress post? Today, I want to show you one of the last and easiest pieces to putting together a simple WordPress shopping cart: a nice border.

I’ve already had enough interest in the Big Dummy frameset I’m selling that even posting now seems to make no sense, so until I find something new to sell (there’s plenty), I’ve found an ideal stand-in.

For Sale: UK’s Only Tandem Bicycle Hearse

Yes, though this would probably be only one of thousands of bicycle hearses if located in Portland, the only tandem hearse in the UK is now available for you to purchase. The reverend who owns it claims he’s not fit enough to use it, but that it’s a great buy.

Now that we have some content, let’s build a container for it.

Borders are really easy to create using an HTML “div” tag and some simple “CSS.” I’m not going to tell you what any of that stands for, because I’m not teaching you coding here–we’re just stealing a little of it for our immediate purposes. Suffice to say that a “div” is a box you can create anywhere on a web page. They live in three dimensions, so things like those fancy menus that pop out when you mouse over them? Those are just hidden divs appearing over the top of the page itself, triggered by your mouse position. You can do just about anything with a div, but our purposes are really simple. We just need to drop in a small bit of code to make our borders.

A great characteristic of WordPress is that you can add custom code to your entries just by clicking the little “HTML” tab at the top right of the entry field for your text (that big box where you type stuff people will read). Make sure that’s clicked then copy and paste in this content:

<div style="border:2px solid;border-radius:25px;-moz-border-radius:20px;">

Congratulations, you just made a border. That’s the fancy new kind with rounded borders, because Steve Jobs said everything should have rounded borders and really juicy-looking buttons, and all web designers tend to like to dress up and pretend to be him. The sad news is that these fancy new rounded edge kinds won’t work in ancient, shitty, diabolical browsers like Microsoft’s IE6 (aka “Internet Exploder 6”). My friend Tae tells me IE6 still has like 90% of market share in Korea, so if that’s your target market, you might want to dial the fancy down a bit and stick with something more like this.

<div style="border:2px solid">

This will give you a border with good, old-fashioned square edges and make your border visible even in South Korea (though probably nothing else on your page will be loading correctly anyway).

Here’s what the fancy border with the rounded edges looks like:

I am in the house.

From here there’s just the simple step of putting our content together inside our swanky new border and then adding our “Add to Cart” button, and that’s what we’ll do next time.