Pakled Design Works Initiative

It’s become pretty popular to hate on pampered underachievers–the kids being praised for C- grades and an ability to reach age fourteen without a serious drug problem. Feigning indignation at privileged kids who’re fed a constant stream of positive reinforcement is nearly as popular as vampires and photoshopping stupid shit into the first photos of the Mars rover.

Also popular: wondering where this mindset came from, as if it’s some new social construct, a by-product of high fructose corn syrup and violent video games. My own admittedly simplistic explanation involves apples and trees. From what I can tell, that mediocre kid’s undeserved sense of entitlement got passed down directly from Mom and Dad.

I run into The Gifted Mediocre pretty much daily among the 35 and older crowd, and I’m not even including web designers in there–a group filled with people who routinely turn “on the job training” into careers.

No, I’m talking about the Joe Dumbass Six-pack you traditionally see in the position of upper management, running a company, or starting one. Case in point, I have this friend who works as a phone tech for a major component manufacturer. Let’s call him “Kyle.” Kyle was kind enough to share snippets of a conversation he had today from a gentleman building his own full-suspension mountain bike. They went like this:

“Hi, I’m designing a full suspension mountain bike frame. What type of rear suspension would you recommend.”

Mind you, “Kyle” does not work for a company that manufactures frames, meaning Mr. Asshat isn’t just searching for someone smart to sort his shit; he’s searching in the wrong place, too.

Asshat goes on to ask if the eye-to-eye and stroke of a rear shock is “the diameter” and ask if the different types of suspensions are patented before uttering arguably the best two sentences ever spoken to tech support:

“What width should I make the mounting brackets? I’m getting it molded out of carbon fiber so I can’t machine out pieces afterwards.”

Clearly Mr. Asshat chose to move directly to carbon fiber for his project shortly after mastering the phrase “carbon fiber.” Go big or go home.

Here’s the thing: I know guys running companies who could be this guy. And I admire all of them, all of these incredibly, flamboyantly, stupid people. I wish–sincerely I mean–that I had the sac to ask someone what suspension I should use on my bike.

Why? Because those are the fuckers who Go Somewhere in Life. They have a vision for what they want out of life–grainy, with misspellings and plans drawn in crayon, but a vision nonetheless, and they’re not afraid to use other people to do the shit necessary to realize that half-ass vision.

Any sense of entitlement found in Little Lord Fauntleroy’s self-esteem have nothing on these people–grown-ups, all of them–whose one true gift, really, is sucking other people dry.

Who am I to tell them they’re wrong? It always seems to work for them, this “asking stupid and embarrassing questions” technique. They do seem to end up running companies and helping to bring horrifying shit into the world and figuring out a way to prosper off of it.

I, for one, am not fighting it any longer. Starting immediately, I’m letting it be known that Canootervalve’s launching the Pakled Design Works Initiative, dedicated to helping these mega-successful underachievers–particularly when they want to build full-suspension bikes but don’t know their ass from instant center.

And I’m not just talking. I plan to periodically offer free, innovative and “rad” full-suspension designs to the world. Open source. Shareware, bitches. You want go flat-brim hat and hang out with guys who get paid to drink Redbull even though you drive a Lexus? I’m your ticket.

Are you sitting down, Mr. Asshat? I hope you are, because I am about to drop the knowledge on you–and let you walk away with it completely free, as in without having to “know anything” or “do anything,” just like you like it. Win!

You know how bicycles have to have seatpost collars? What am I thinking? Of course you don’t know that. Well, they do, and seatpost collars have to have bolts in them. They tighten and keep your seatpost up, but in the history of bicycles no one has ever thought to use that shit as a pivot.

That’s right: you want lightweight long travel, you have to get your system integrated. Check it: the world’s first “seatpost pivoting full-suspension system.”

Here’s what to tell your marketing people for the catalog: travel? We don’t think so much in terms of how much travel it has. Rather, we prefer to think in terms of cubic inches of displacement. If the whole thing were submerged and then pushed through it’s travel, it’d displace a “perfect” metric pint of displacement fluid. No other design can say that. Oh, and the big gear is “pedal-driven” and “ultra-stiff,” and–get this shit–it doubles as a bash guard! How? That jumbo chain is fixed, so it’s always protecting the ring. And I mean protecting. It’s a larger chain for maximum durability, but for real performance it can be upgraded to a competiton-grade chainsaw chain! Trail mainenance, riding? Fuck it: you’re doing both. Put that you recommend wearing a protective cup when riding in the small print.

Someday, I’ll even tell you the width of the shock mounting brackets.